my being single is dangerous.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
