I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
