I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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