Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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