I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
