Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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