my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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