Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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