So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
