nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
