if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
