Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
