My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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