why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
