so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
