I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
