I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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