I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
