what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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