Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
