no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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