I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
