I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
