woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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