if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
