"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
