Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
