Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am in a vortex of obligation.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How drunk are you?
Completed.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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