Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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