we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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