i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I am midnight drunk by noon
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
