I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
