The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You are the jesus of drinking
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
