what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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