I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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