I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
