oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
