I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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