I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
