You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
