He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
