im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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