omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
