so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I touched a dick in church today
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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