dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's just like the Real World with babies
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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