...so i touched it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
