Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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