I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
