I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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