I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
