I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
do nipples grow back?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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