I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
